The more time I have to sit around, the angier I get. I'm suppose to be in school right now working on my final year of education and submitting applications for student teaching in the fall. I'm suppose to be planning a wedding, enjoying life, and getting out from under my parents.
Everyone is being so nice... they are concerned. Mary Nelson and friends made me a beautiful prayer quilt which was presented to me Friday night. Several people came by to visit. It was nice to see everyone. It was nice to chat with everyone... and they were very patient as I chattered about everything. And yes, sometimes it really is just chattering as it takes me awhile to get the question answered and sometimes I find I didn't even answer the question. This is MADDENING!
People are worred because I'm spending my time getting rid of stuff. They think I'm getting myself ready for the worst thing that could happen. I guess maybe I am, but I'm really just bored so I might as well do something to keep me busy. They also worry because I'm so candid about what this could really mean. I could DIE! I might have a brain tumor growing in my head but I'm not stupid about the reality of what it could mean. I can't drive so I'm stuck at home. My friends work so they can't take me anywhere. Tomorrow my Grandma Morris is taking me shopping and out to lunch. Thank goodness for Grandmothers!
Mom keeps telling me to try and focus on the good...look for that "ray of sunshine." I know it's her job to keep me positive but right now it's a bunch of crap. There isn't much good in all of this. Even though I did learn that the chemo drugs will not affect hair loss... even though Dad spoke with someone this weekend who has 2 relatives taking Tremador and the chemo has been effective at stunting the tumor growth. If this thing is a grade IV tumor, the drugs better work fast, and the surgery better be a success.
Wednesday I meet with the "sleep" doctor to find out more about the awake brain surgery and how all of it will work. I'm very curious to hear if I will actually remember anything.
Hannah's last post to me... "when life brings you to your knees, you're in a perfect position to pray." I say you're also in a perfect position to hit your head agains the ground and scream why me!
It's Ok to be mad, Lindsey. Don't let anyone talk you out of your feelings. I think God is mad, too - mad at tumors and mad at the things you have to go through. You know what's important: the friends around you and all the love and prayers that are sent your way. You are beautiful.
ReplyDelete(You know a couple of weeks ago I tried to get Randy to buy me an old clunker car. I wanted to put it in the back yard and hit it with a sledge hammer and shoot it and kick it. I still think its a good idea.)
Your friend and sister,
Karen