There have been noticeable changes over the last 5 days. Severe cramping and pain in the right legs, difficulty responding to questions, increased sleep patterns, and this morning our dear Lindsey got sick while in bed. While awake she continued to have mini-seizures....with little response to questions. Her appetite has significantly decreased.... meals today consisted of 1 slice of toast and a chocolate shake. Bruises are appearing all over her body... with new ones showing up on her backside today. This can be a side affect of the steroids. She has also developed a large blister on her right heal. Where this came from or what caused it, I have no idea. She is required to sleep on her back with her right leg elevated now to prevent cramping and pain. We are keeping the oxygen on her while she sleeps to aid in a more restful slumber.
Bob and I are tired.... we're sad, devastated, empty, numb, .. and we're ready for Lindsey to be relieved of this awful cancer that is eating away at her brain. We're wondering just how we will move forward without our Lindz.... In my readings I discovered the following words of wisdom:
Anyone who has lost a loved one knows that you don’t “recover.” Instead, you learn to incorporate their absence and memories into your life and channel your emotional energy toward others. Eventually, it has been said, your grief walks beside you instead of consuming you.
In a 2006 interview with The New York Times, Mexican writer Carlos Fuentes described having two children die before they turned 30. “You go on,” he reflected. “You bring the person you love inside you. That is how you cope. You make him or her live within you.”
“In general, bereaved survivors shouldn't’t think of ‘getting over’ a loss, but develop ways to get used to it,” says Prigerson. “Even years after someone dies, pangs of grief may come out of the blue, and feelings of heartache and missing the deceased are rekindled. That’s normal.”
I also finished reading the book "Two Chai Day", by Irene McGoldrick. Two Chai Day is a compelling true story about embracing love and loss, realizing there can be laughter in the midst of sadness, and learning to appreciate the ambiguity of life. This book is beautifully written and the excerpts from her husband's journal adds a perspective that is often missed in books such as this. Anne B, thank you for sharing this book with me... and thank your sister for writing it.
My sister, Nancy, celebrates a birthday on November 1. As I was wrapping her present this week, I asked Lindsey if there was anything she wanted me to pick up for Aunt Nancy from her. (Birthdays are a big deal to Lindsey... she always went out of her way to celebrate a persons special day.) She stared at me for a long time, then said the word Bible. I displayed all of Lindsey's bibles in front of her so she could pick out the one that she wanted Aunt Nancy to have. I then brought Lindsey's jewelry box over to her to see if she also wanted to give Aunt Nancy a piece of her jewelry. Lindsey selected a black, rhinestoned watch. I can't help but think that Lindsey selected this piece to thank Aunt Nancy for all the fun times and for taking time to be with her. So to my sister, Nancy, Happy Birthday. This world is a better place because of you. I love you.
Thank you for checking in on Lindsey.