October 10, 2010
My Big sis.
On Saturday I had the privilege to go skydiving for the first time with some of my best friends. The night before, during some cookies and milk before bed time, I broke the news to Lindsey that I was going to jump out of a perfectly good airplane. She stopped mid-chew and gave me her classic "Lindsey" look.. it was something I hadn't seen in a long time and a moment I'll cherish forever. Although her situation may be tragic and heartbreaking, she is still our Lindsey.
As I was diving through the air I had no perception of how fast I was going or how high I was.. I just knew that I was falling and at some point it would all be over. What surprised me the most was that the entire time I was skydiving I was completely numb.. no nerves.. no fear.
It's a feeling that I can only relate to one thing - how I feel about our current situation with Lindsey. In the end.. we have no idea how fast she is declining or when she will pass. All we know is that at some point she will leave us.
I've been considerably less vocal about my feelings about my families current situation than my mother and Hannah.. and it's not that I don't have anything to say.. it's just that I am at a complete loss for words. What are we supposed to say when someone asks, "How are you doing?" I usually just say fine.. but it's a lie. None of us are fine. We're all just really, really sad.
Today I attended church with my mom and Hannah. The sermon today was about the different ways God speaks to us. Pastor Brent listed a few ways, but the one that caught my attention is that God speaks to us through pain. Through all of the pain, heartache, and sadness that we are going through God has taught me one thing - the importance of family. If I can give anyone a word of advice that I've learned from this.. tell your family you love them. Our family is never going to be the same after Lindsey leaves us.. but in the end we'll be closer than we ever have been before.
One thing I've learned from Lindsey, and I think everyone else should too, is that there is no such thing as too much love. If you knew Lindsey personally, you will know that she was always the happiest person in the room. Her love and compassion for other people was evident everywhere she went, from the post-it notes she wrote my dad expressing how much she loved him to the crafts she made by hand for her kids in school. As much as Lindsey and I butted heads when we were younger she always made it a point to tell me she loved me. If you ever tried to tell her you loved her more she would respond quickly with "whatever!" Lindsey's everlasting love for God, her family, and her friends is her legacy. It is what she will always be remembered for.
It's sad that it takes such a tragic illness for me to realize how important my family is to me. But I know now that God speaks to us through pain, and through all of this my family is going to come out closer than we ever have been. Lindsey will never be forgotten, and I'll always have an older sister.
So as I wrap up this post that my mom suggested I do.. just do me a favor. Before you go to bed tonight tell your family you love them. The simple four-letter word can go a long way, and as Lindsey proved to us all, there's no such thing as too much love.
I love you Lindsey.
Your little brother,