Love of my Life

Love of my Life
Happy moments... Praise God. Difficult moments... seek God. Quiet painful moments... Trust God. Every moment... Thank God.

October 31, 2010

Time... how much do we have?

Every time I sign onto Lindsey's blog, I'm required to enter her email address and password. Every time, as I type, "", I'm reminded of Lindsey's favorite Bible verse and her strong faith. She created this email address years ago.... and while many people change their addresses occasionally, she has not. As I signed on tonight, I was thinking, how many more times will I be updating the blog for her? How much time do we have with our Lindsey?

There have been noticeable changes over the last 5 days. Severe cramping and pain in the right legs, difficulty responding to questions, increased sleep patterns, and this morning our dear Lindsey got sick while in bed. While awake she continued to have mini-seizures....with little response to questions. Her appetite has significantly decreased.... meals today consisted of 1 slice of toast and a chocolate shake. Bruises are appearing all over her body... with new ones showing up on her backside today. This can be a side affect of the steroids. She has also developed a large blister on her right heal. Where this came from or what caused it, I have no idea. She is required to sleep on her back with her right leg elevated now to prevent cramping and pain. We are keeping the oxygen on her while she sleeps to aid in a more restful slumber.

Bob and I are tired.... we're sad, devastated, empty, numb, .. and we're ready for Lindsey to be relieved of this awful cancer that is eating away at her brain. We're wondering just how we will move forward without our Lindz.... In my readings I discovered the following words of wisdom:
Anyone who has lost a loved one knows that you don’t “recover.” Instead, you learn to incorporate their absence and memories into your life and channel your emotional energy toward others. Eventually, it has been said, your grief walks beside you instead of consuming you.

In a 2006 interview with The New York Times, Mexican writer Carlos Fuentes described having two children die before they turned 30. “You go on,” he reflected. “You bring the person you love inside you. That is how you cope. You make him or her live within you.”

“In general, bereaved survivors shouldn't’t think of ‘getting over’ a loss, but develop ways to get used to it,” says Prigerson. “Even years after someone dies, pangs of grief may come out of the blue, and feelings of heartache and missing the deceased are rekindled. That’s normal.”

I also finished reading the book "Two Chai Day", by Irene McGoldrick. Two Chai Day is a compelling true story about embracing love and loss, realizing there can be laughter in the midst of sadness, and learning to appreciate the ambiguity of life. This book is beautifully written and the excerpts from her husband's journal adds a perspective that is often missed in books such as this. Anne B, thank you for sharing this book with me... and thank your sister for writing it.

My sister, Nancy, celebrates a birthday on November 1. As I was wrapping her present this week, I asked Lindsey if there was anything she wanted me to pick up for Aunt Nancy from her. (Birthdays are a big deal to Lindsey... she always went out of her way to celebrate a persons special day.) She stared at me for a long time, then said the word Bible. I displayed all of Lindsey's bibles in front of her so she could pick out the one that she wanted Aunt Nancy to have. I then brought Lindsey's jewelry box over to her to see if she also wanted to give Aunt Nancy a piece of her jewelry. Lindsey selected a black, rhinestoned watch. I can't help but think that Lindsey selected this piece to thank Aunt Nancy for all the fun times and for taking time to be with her. So to my sister, Nancy, Happy Birthday. This world is a better place because of you. I love you.

Thank you for checking in on Lindsey.


  1. Sandy - I am so sad for you, but know that I am also praying for God's perfect timing. Please know that all of us who follow Lindsey's blog love you and are praying for you and the whole rest of your family. Even though I don't know Lindsey personally, what has been written here truly has made a difference in my life.

  2. I am so sad for what you are going through. There are so many words of comfort I wish I had for you, anything to make it an easier load to bear, but I am at a loss for words. I just think of the poem "Footprints", and know that during this time, He is carrying you.

  3. It's true. You don't get over a loss like that, you just get through it. You learn to accept that you just can't put a question mark where God puts a period. You have to let yourself be devastated because pushing the pain away to avoid the sting only ends up making you sick as well. You find comfort in the fact that once in heaven, they are no longer associated with an illness. They're just them again. Happier than they've ever been, ready to watch over us. Your family has been in my prayers for so long. I follow this blog and cry and become furious trying to make sense of it all. But I'm only human, I won't ever make sense of this. Only God can. So I will continue praying for your family's strength and for Lindsey's comfort while she's with us. God Bless you all.
    P.S. When I ask my friends who know Lindsey how she's hung on so long, they respond with, "If you knew Lindsey, you'd understand. She's a fighter. It doesn't surprise me at all she has made it this long

  4. I bet Aunt Nancy loved that gift.

  5. I can't know the sadness and despair that you all must be experiencing, but please know Bob and I keep you all in our thoughts and prayers. We read your lovely posts and are continually amazed by your faithful graciousness. Our hearts go out to you as you walk this path of pain and heartache. We pray that you feel his loving arms around you, for when you are broken hearted, He is close to you. In Christ’s love…Jan Westmoreland

  6. I have been keeping up on Lindsey's blog faithfully. Just a friend that has worked with Lindsey in summerschool. I am blessed with the faith your entire family has shown. Unfortunately we only check in and see the pain, you are living through it. I have enlisted prayer warriors at my church since this all began, to help your family through this time. Your family is a testament to faith, love and family. I pray that God wraps His arms around you all, so that you can look around and feel His love!

  7. Sandy, I hope you will continue to blog. If not here, then somewhere. Many of us will want to know how you all are doing, and it seems that despite your moments of deepest sadness your words are so eloquent and full of wisdom. This blog has been a way for us to process all of this with you in our own feelings loss and sadness.

    Lindsey has a transcendent beauty that has already penetrated every one of us. I know I am not alone when I say I am a different person because of her. Thank you for being such wonderful parents, for sharing your beautiful daughter with the world, and for your grace through the journey of her life.