Words Cannot Describe

-A Note from Hannah-

I have been home since Friday for Spring Break, and I all though I am extremely happy I was able to fly back to be home with my family for the week, it has been nothing short of challenging and heart-wrenching. I knew that Lindsey would be struggling more than I saw her last (which was only 5 days), but the amount of depreciation that had occurred in that mere week struck me as unbelievable. It is clear that this tumor is not on our side and the cells are dividing rapidly.

The hardest part of all of this is watching my own sister turn into a different person right in front of me, losing her mental and physical abilities, and knowing she realizes most of what is occurring to her. She becomes extremely angry because she can feel the differences in her abilities each day, as everyday tasks becomes harder and harder. She isn't the girl we all knew before; instead, this tumor has her acting out in ways we have never seen before, none of which she can help. She doesn't think rationally most of the time now, and arguing with her or trying to talk rational into her mind is worthless and tiring. As much as we want to help her understand certain things, such as why we can't do something she wants that very second, ect, she is usually not willing to listen.

All we can do is remind ourselves constantly that Lindsey can't help any of what she is experiencing. As much as we are frustrated by the effects of the medicine and tumor growth and as often as we are tempted to argue logic to an irrational person, we have to simply stop and know this isn't her fault. We must value the time we have with her, and try not to spend each day frustrated with her behaviors. Lindsey will always be my older sister, but the tumor has her acting less of a 24 year old each day and more like a young child. Small issues cause her to become hysterical. She hasn't slept a full night in weeks, which means neither have my parents. I am simply exhausted after 3 days; I can't imagine the stress on my parents right now. I thank God for our amazing family that has been so helpful and loving through this.

Thank you all so much for the prayers, cards, and visits. I wish this was all an awful dream, and I could wake up from it right now; however, this is reality and IT SUCKS.